Quote of the Day

“My life is my message.” “Never test the depth of the water with both feet.” “Don’t let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game.” These quotes were part of my “Quote of the Day” activity in my creative writing class. I never knew how much they would impact my experiences as a single parent.
Quotes from wise people can cause one to ponder life. They can give great perspective, too. However, quotes can often remind me of just how much I lack wisdom. Sometimes, as a single parent, I feel like I’m taking two steps forward and three steps back. I let my past experiences hinder my ability to trust others. I sometimes feel like I’ve lost control of my life. I feel like finding a small hole, crawling inside of it and hiding there for who knows how long. I try to have this image of being so incredibly in control, so trusting in Jesus, when in actuality, I am a broken creature with knocking knees and tearful eyes.
I watch with wonder how my children go fearlessly into life. Everyone is a friend. Every day is an adventure. Play dough becomes colorful snakes, soap bubbles are magical globes, and a mirror holds silly, funny faces. As I attempt to write this column, my two-year-old finds that nothing is more comical than pushing the keys on my computer keyboard. Suddenly, his brother streaks by in nothing but his birthday suit, wiggling and giggling to a Toby Mac song. Now, he and his brother think it is oh-so-thrilling to run naked through the house prior to bath time. It is a nightly ritual. They are comfortable in being silly, strange, and naked--all at the same time.
Life for me is blanketed with watchful steps. As I travel though this journey, neon warning signs seem to flash, making me fearful of those with questionable reputations and suspicious motives. If someone is nice to me, I cannot help but wonder what exactly he or she wants. Being on your own is tough enough. Having two innocent lives that you are responsible for makes this trek even more frightening. Having your world rocked is difficult. Traveling through life with two innocent hearts is terrifying.
This incredible wall I have formed over time makes me barely test the waters of relationships. It makes me think of hiding behind books and daydreams, never venturing out beyond the four walls of my home, classroom, or even the invisible ones that keep everyone at a safe distance. Even friendships are somewhat guarded, as I know that getting to know somebody means one has to care about that person. Perhaps I don’t want to care too much, for caring means I give a piece of my heart away. I’m very careful in giving that away now.
I come home in the afternoon to a curly headed, blue eyed angel scurrying around the corner, arms open wide--just beaming. Another shouts a big “Momma!” and hurries in to greet me. Another day has passed and though this world has presented some unnecessary and incredible demands, we made it.
But did we really make it? If treading the line of being safe kept me from reaching out to someone, then did I journey through this day making a difference or did I simply avoid getting hurt, navigating through the day without being touched? Although I want to guard my children from harm, I also know that they will touch the lives of others through their loving kindness. They are not afraid to be who they are. Perhaps if I had removed the walls I have around me long enough to get to know someone and actually care about a person, maybe I would have done more than simply survived the day. Maybe, if I can grow beyond my fears, then I can show love and acceptance to those who have never experienced unconditional love. Maybe I can show what it is like to be loved for who you are, not what you have done or what you can do for someone. Maybe I can just accept people for who they are and make them realize that they are important simply because they are here.
The Bible has many verses--365 to be exact--on fear. I guess God knew I would need one for every day of the year. Fear can roar like a lion, making me freeze in my tracks. However, now I know that it is a toothless lion, one that cannot harm me, but just keep me from moving on out of the valley and onto the mountain.
Though I move timidly and shakily, I still choose to move. Every day I hope to look back to yesterday and say yes, I have changed. I have grown. I am no longer who I used to be. Instead, I hope to see someone who is changing into the person God had in mind, not the one that I thought I should be. Being fearful is not part of the image.
When I think about these quotes, I think how I want them to be part of who I am. My life should be my message and that message should have the love and acceptance of Jesus Christ written all over it. I will test waters that are uncertain and unknown, though I will be cautious in a smart way, but not a fearful way. I will try new things, meet different people, and do things I’ve always wanted to do and I won’t let fear prevent me from attempting them. Finally, I’m in the game. I’m not checking out, sitting it out, or watching everyone else participate. I’m in a game called Life and I want to make every play count. I want to get up to bat and start swinging…maybe just keep swinging…because that hit may touch a life that was untouchable until now. I want to make every swing count for something beyond this world, and reach those who are may think it’s time to sit it out or run and hide.
I do not claim to be a wise person, but I seek the One who is. I do not have great answers on how to be a wonderful parent. I don’t even speak so eloquently that I can close this column with some incredible quote. I do know that if the reader ever questions his or her worth, if the reader ever feels the world crumbling around him or her, or if the reader is gripped by fear and is unable to shake its grasp, then I can wholeheartedly say choose to give up, surrender, and lose all control of your life. Give it to the One who loves you and accepts you unconditionally. Seek His wisdom and follow it wholeheartedly. Trust His heart, for in it is a love for you greater than any other.